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11 Things Divorce Experts Wish You Knew Before You Got Married
These tips could save your relationship — or at least help you bounce back if it’s ending.
Divorce lawyers, mediators, and financial planners get a front-row seat to all sorts of situations — from easy-to-navigate, amicable separations to crazy contentious splits. So it’s safe to assume they’ve learned a few things that can help couples between saying, “I do” and “I don’t anymore.”
1
Prenups aren’t really necessary. 
In fact, they can cause harm. “I find prenups almost always come about where one party springs it on the other just weeks or days before the marriage,” says Stuart Minion, a divorce lawyer in New Jersey. “They’re coercive, one-sided, emotionally damaging and destructive. Plus, there are usually laws in place to protect both parties anyway.” If one or both of you is insistent on having something drawn up, consider doing it well before the wedding.
2
Spending habits are worth discussing on a date.
Sure, maybe don’t pull out your credit report on the first date. But you should talk about money early on. Like really talk. “Most people don’t understand how important it is for spouses to have similar financial goals and habits,” says Joslin Davis, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. “Although people can change, you are starting the marriage off on a bad foot if you expect your spouse, who has had no problem racking up credit card debt his or her whole life, to stop as soon as you get back from the honeymoon.”
3
And everyone
should budget better. 
The biggest factors causing divorce that Minion sees? Money and infidelity. “And very often, the latter comes about because of the former,” he says. “Money causes conflict. And then people often look at other means of satisfying themselves or coping — and that might include a third party.” Couples should have open communication about what’s coming in versus going out, as well as short-term and long-term financial goals.
4
A support system is necessary. 
A marriage isn’t an island. “Often the commitment to marry carries great expectations from family and friends,” says Abby Rosmarin, Esq., LMHC, a family mediator. “There may be extra pressure to remain a unit once married and the stakes may be higher to not expose the cracks to people who could provide support.” But don’t worry about being criticized or judged if you admit to friends and family that your relationship needs help — those people might be the best ones to give you advice.
5 You’re marrying your money, too.
Sorry. Even if you chose to keep your actual bank accounts separate, there is still a financial partnership that comes into play. “Financially speaking, a marriage creates one economic unit out of two,” says Andrew Samalin, the president of theAssociation of Divorce Financial Planners . Anything earned during the marriage (paychecks, interest on savings, retirement funds, etc.) is considered marital funds and can be split up in the case of a divorce. Adds Samalin, “Generally, you share in the debts and the income, and you share in the risk and the rewards of the investment accounts.”
6 Have your own line of credit.
“One of the most important financial recommendations I make to my clients is to be aware of their credit score,” says Samalin. And make sure it’s in good standing. “By having credit autonomy, you are assuring your ability to get a loan without your spouse.” You know, if things come to that.
7
Keep really good records — especially going into the marriage. 
Even if you don’t plan on getting divorced (most people never do when they walk down the aisle!), you should hold onto those pre-marriage bank statements. “Hypothetically, if a husband comes into a marriage with $100,000 in stocks, it’s his burden to show that he acquired them before the marriage,” says Minion. “It’s also his burden to show he didn’t contribute martial funds into those accounts.” Without the necessary documentation to prove that something was yours and didn’t get mixed with other marital money, it’s likely to be included in any sort of divorce settlement.
8
Divorce takes a long time — and money. 
Weddings are known for their crazy price tags, and it can cost a decent amount to undo those nuptials — so if you’re going in with any doubts, think things through carefully. “People can expect to pay between $300 and $500 an hour in this area,” says Minion. (We found divorce lawyer prices to be similar in other parts of the country, too.) “There are some [divorce] cases that can cost $5,000 or $15,000 if they are settled quickly. And there are some that can cost many multiples of that.” Of course, every situation is different, but it could take a year or more finalize a divorce.
9
You don’t get everything because he cheated. 
Wanting to take him to the cleaners would be normal — but you probably won’t be able to. “In most states, marital misconduct — like an affair — does not entitle the innocent spouse to more assets,” says Davis. The money and property will be divided according to equitable distribution as usual. That said, you might be able to get more money in alimony, depending on the way the finances work out.
10
Divorce comes with a mourning period. 
“People are often surprised by the sense of loss, even if they are eager to start a new chapter,” says Rosmarin. “Change is often unsettling. At the very least, people go from married to divorced (although there are many steps in between) and that alters one’s self-concept and how others relate to you.”
11
Your lawyer is not your therapist. 
When meeting with divorce lawyers, people often want to tell their story, Minion says. “They want to explain why they’re getting divorced and to validate their reasons. But in realty, what brings them to court is irrelevant to the end result.” You’re paying too much to attorneys to try and hash out who did what or what you’re feeling in their office. The moral: See a counselor before you get to that point — and you have better odds of avoiding it in the first place.
We hope you enjoyed this article! It is a bit different from our other posts but we want to cover all aspects of marriage and real life events.
Also, can we just say, we’ve heard that divorce parties are a new thing?! I mean, celebrating new beginnings are great!
